I think that a lot of humans struggle with the concept of “need”. It is certainly something that I’ve struggled with my entire life, only made more difficult by PDA (Pathological Demands Avoidance) presenting Autism. It was also always being influenced by the people around me, their religious affiliation, and my own.
I’ve read the Bible, many times. I was more of a fan of the book than I was of religion, though things have changed over time. Job is a story that people have turned to, when I question the concept of “need”. Those of religious faith tell me that God provides – you won’t have to worry about your needs being met because whatever you need will be provided.
Tell that to the park benches I’ve slept on. The inside of me thinks loudly. Tell that to my metabolism, fucked up from skipping meals regularly. Tell that to my CPTSD and my intimate relationship with trauma. The religious people just smile their slightly saddened smile. But you’re still alive, they say. You got was was required, what was needed.
Scientifically speaking, my physical body has many needs in order to exist, and needs in order to be healthy. I need calories, vitamins, water. I need exercise, shelter, safety. Socially, there are even more needs. In fact, the hierarchy of needs doesn’t ever really stop. This is something that I would actually celebrate: yet another sign of how far humanity has evolved over the years.
In this experience I’m in, my own personal ideas of need have not been recognized, instead what is accepted is what others have quantified as need. “You know what you need?” The words were soft, gentle, and full of worry. “You need more fun.” I was 13ish, when they were spoken to me. I cried a lot at that age, and struggled with what seemed like a need to “give up” my own personality. Fueled by religion and family interactions, depression raged deeply at the time. I found many reasons to be grateful, many reasons to smile, but none of it fulfilled a deeper need for emotional and mental enrichment. Plus, it’s hard to nurture the mind and soul when the body is abused – there simply is not enough energy. All of that is a part of what is happening in the now – individuality is punished, for the most part. All of my energy is spent on the few things that I am now not only allowed to do, but required to do. There is no money to put into individual interests, and no real reward for working hard, other than self-satisfaction.
COME NOW, YOU’VE BEEN POOR BEFORE. The voice calls out. AND LOOK, YOU STILL EXIST. YOU ARE GIVEN WHAT IS REQUIRED.
The real question that seems to be being played by the “false dead” around me is: what would this evil being require from a human life to recreate it in one of its controlled realities? Being as I don’t believe in God, I assume very little… but I also think that it will take what it can get, and it probably does have more fun with some types of people over other types.
I am a stupid person, but I am not unintelligent. I am constantly and consistently being beaten up by my own wants and desires. I am grateful for the happiness I see other people have, in things like their own romantic relationships, friendships, hobbies. “Let them be happy” my heart croaks.
WELL SURE. The voice says. BUT IT MEANS YOU WON’T BE. I GET WHAT YOU WANT.
And in many, many ways, I’m okay with the concept of relying solely on the very basics of need in order for everyone else to enjoy the things beyond need. I’m not seeing this promise actually truly fulfilled, though, as I meet unhappy people constantly – or people who are struggling, and do not have stability.
WELL, DUH. THAT’S BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME STABILITY, AND ARE ACCEPTING THINGS THAT AREN’T BASIC NEED.
It will be my fault, in the end. Not my doing, but my fault. I AM the one that died. And I am struggling with the concept of “giving up” myself, once again.
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