For whatever reason, I am allowed to maintain my belief and love in humanity. Back before I died, every day was an exploration of existence that only further proved that humanity and life in the known universe was absolutely worth more love and adoration than I could ever give it, though I would spend the rest of my life (and at least part of the afterlife, it seems) intent on trying to anyway.
I wasn’t a scientist in True Life, though I did sometimes like to imagine a different life where I went to school and was a scientist that specialized in understanding human emotions. What I was in True Life was an amateur observer, and easily excitable. Through my own individual experience of being a human, I observed many patterns in what is negative that led me to believe that part of what I was observing was actually just growing pains of being an intelligent and evolving species.
For example, when talking about mental disorders and their increasing or decreasing diagnosis rates, it’s easy to overlook the overall positive growth of the entire species, as well as the role that these disorders play. In fact, I was (and still am) at least somewhat convinced that some disorders are steps of humanity’s future evolution – little trials of qualities that benefit the species as a whole. Just like any other organ we’ve developed, our brain is constantly adapting and finding new ways to be efficient. But it’s also aware through the whole process, something that we can often forget or overlook as we get caught up in the day-to-day. Regardless of what horrors await humanity during this long but temporary period of time, humanity really is quite remarkable.
In this reality, there are coincidences and associations that I do not have the ability to ignore, though there are likely some that I am not allowed to notice at the same time. I do not believe in the idea that you need the negative in order to have good, and that seems to be played upon by whatever is playing. You do not need evil to have good. You do not need hate to have love.
My beliefs both don’t matter and really do matter. I believe that I am not able to fully be myself and am still being controlled, even if just by chemicals and emotional control. If I were allowed to be myself, I’d be a lot calmer and positive, even if I want actively thinking positive things, just due to negative things ceasing from being shoved in my face.
Is everyone really that unhappy here? There is always something to complain about. There is always something to groan and sigh and be negative about. If not for the traffic, the cleanliness of rooms or other people, or confusingly the things that the person in question is supposed to enjoy, it’s myself and my ever present doom. Although I do not choose to constantly share my own negativity, I still believe I am in the presence of the most negative thing I could possibly find myself with.
Laugh all you want. I am glad for the happiness that you have during those moments, knowing that the larger evil exists and persists (though, let’s be really honest about this: it doesn’t actually have anything to persist against, it just continuously decides that having control over other lifeforms is what it wants to do).
Believe.
As if I could not believe, naturally. As if humans and intelligent, sapient lifeforms did not find belief in their own. “Believe what you want,” I recall myself saying. “Belief does not change the higher truth.” But, the truth is, I would choose to believe in love as long as it was a reasonable choice, and appropriately.
Do I care who people are friends with? The answer is only no until a reason why yes is appropriate emerges: I will voice and stand up for someone being mistreated, I will try and intervene when manipulative (and sometimes outright abusive) behavior is happening. I believe in freewill, and respecting other people’s choices (as well as respecting my own, even though that has sometimes been taken from me).
Taken? “Yes,” I think back to the darkness. “Yes, this “second life” would have been substantially different had my learned and true respect for self been allowed – the whole time.” I had to admit that at times, I was allowed to respect my choices. Saying no, only working when scheduled, walking away from relationships that only served to harm. How lucky you are, that I allowed you that much.
And yet, the possibility of a greater love story rages on in my head, keeping the bar low while teasing at too much. I am still waiting for my Poe.
and the dreams never stop.
Fuck You, We Matter 
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