“Does it feel good, to use your ‘infinite’ power to kill cats?” The angry part of me says. There is a deeper and wider understanding to what is happening now, to what is happening to my cat. Of course I hurt for my cat, who is helpless and very sick, who is being used as a tool just like everything else in this reality. My cat is not the only cat who is sick, or will die. This is older knowledge, taken from True Life, misplaced in Real Life. Here, everything is purposeful and designed. Here, it was a choice by something with too much power to make my cat sick. Here, it is being used to emotionally manipulate, as well as physically show off.
‘It really does seem like it relies on controlling other lifeforms for entertainment’ my rational brain speaks up. My rational brain is also angry, but not allowed to access emotions, due to whatever game is being played.
“I do not blame this evil being for what happens in True Life. But this is Real Life, where freewill has been taken away and all things are controlled and allowed by whatever it is that has full control. Sickness and Death arent natural here, and from what I can tell, are preplanned.” I tell myself. I have been allowed to know that no human is truly at fault for what this evil being decides to do with its own existence, but the layer of guilt is thick and remains. “I’m sorry I died.” I whisper to my cat. “I’m sorry that you exist under these circumstances, and that evil is using you.”
Her frame is small and fragile nestled in pillows on my bed. She has stopped drinking and eating, and her weight has dropped significantly. I know that in True Life, she is likely very healthy and in a good home. Here, she is very sick, and stuck with me – the human – probably the worst place she could be due to the evil being targeting me and my perception of existence.
My true anger sleeps, restless, under the surface. Again and again I am faced with the hopelessness that I live in. Again and again I have to recognize that evil exists, despite the beauty in existence, despite what deserves respect. Again and again, I slink back to the fact that evil will not exist forever – hopelessness is a very long temporary, but it is temporary. True Life, even for only 30 years, was enough to prove to me that this is the case.
No matter what it does. What it chooses to make me believe. I cannot see the extent to which it’s ugliness grows, but I can see it’s end. As long as it chooses to be evil, an end will come for it. I foolishly still hold hope that it will change its mind and cease choosing to be evil and doing evil things. But, I am okay with being foolish.
An at-home euthanasia is fast, very fast. It’s numbing, and jarring, and comforting all wrapped up in one. “I can’t claim you to be my original cat, but you are my cat all the same.” I thought then. “I love you. You will be missed.” And it’s true, I miss her all the time.
The days afterwards seem to be some kind of exploratory feeler for giving me back natural depression. The knowledge that I have been unmedicated has been running through my mind more frequently. Knowing that at my best in True Life I was properly medicated is like knowing that who I am allowed to be in Real Life (so far) is not my best. That is true in many ways.
My strengths have little to do with if I’m physically attractive, or in a relationship. I cannot say that they have nothing to do with these things, as feeling your best often helps facilitate being your best – but my strengths are there even when I’m not attractive, or desired. It’s similar, but but at all the same, as being properly medicated.
I’d like to think that there are people who exist here, in this reality, who are experiencing fulfilling lives.
Fuck You, We Matter 
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