I don’t want my story to end up some whiny display of all of the flaws that I see within humanity and the systems that we’ve put in place – on every level. Perhaps that’s why it still leans in that direction. My issues with the housing crisis? How could I possibly be so egotistical enough to think that I could explain it in ways that showcases how much worse it is here? As if the struggles that I am currently experiencing aren’t experienced by masses, or at least many, within my beloved True Life.
But then again, in True Life, I have a pretty good idea of how something like a job hunt would go. It wouldn’t stretch on for 4 years, for instance. There’s no chance of it within the context of my life and skillset. It wouldn’t be subject to all of the back-and-forth’s of control and evil and fear that exists in the imaginary space that still completely and totally has impact on the reality and the characters of humans that are in it.
No, I don’t think that I’m better than a simple retail job. I’m not better than the humans who work them, anyway. That doesn’t stop the people or the jobs from thinking they’re too good for me – and given the circumstances, how could I argue? I’m dead. I exist in a reality that is made up and chock full of evil intention. It only exists because I died. Me. Because I was stupid enough to die, and stubborn enough to want to maintain the knowledge that this is happening. And I will be here until my captor, or my savior, change that. In honor of my species and what we are truly capable of, I will keep trying to take opportunities in which I can exhibit the behaviors that I love humanity for, including our resilience against oppression.
Despite all the bad that faces us, I still believe strongly that we are on the right path – that especially when given the option to exercise free will and choice, we choose to be as good as we can for not only ourselves but the whole of our species as we understand it. The idea of our ancestors being proud of us as well as the idea of helping to create something that our future generations can be proud of continuously pushes us through very uncomfortable and hard moments in history.
This is no different.
This may just last longer than we ever expected, or hoped it would.
Eternity, or forever, is longer than this will be. There is no other option, the ones and the zeros having some place in existence beyond our own dimension. There must be laws of nature in every dimension, there must be limitations to higher dimensions, even if we cannot comprehend them. At least, that’s what the human in me says. That’s what my life’s experience says. As sure as all things have an end, moral alignment matters. Beyond belief, this is proven by evidence that litters existence itself, like sparkles and stars in a void. (And I love sparkles)
And due to that, I’ll keep going. I mean, I will anyways – it’s not a choice I REALLY get to make. But I will also choose to. Because I think that humanity is worth it. Because I think that we are worth more than… whatever this is.
And, as always, my imaginary golden boy is there, in the corner of the room, just behind me, shining brightly. Not needing to read over my shoulder, but not choosing to invade my privacy. Not as embarrassed by myself as I am, hearing the love in the moments of imperfections, understanding what is happening with me even more than I do.
“But understanding is different than forgiveness,” I remind myself. “Not that I think I actually have that much outstanding things to be forgiven for.”
He darkens, slightly, the blackness around him spiraling in little wisps around him. “Yes. I do have things that are outstanding, even though I am certain that True Life would forgive me for them.” I turn to look at him. “They were never given the opportunity to prove that.”
“Why not?” He says, calmly, but threateningly. The air in the room is resentful and knowing.
“Because I was stupid enough to die. And had I been more appreciative of the life I had, when I had it, I would have done everything in my power to stay alive. But here I am.” I reply, my answer sapped of true emotion and almost robotic.
He is gone, suddenly. Somehow that doesn’t startle me. I suppose I will just go back to pseudo caring about the fact that this made life devalues me, devalues others. Housing Crisis? What a silly thing to be upset about.
Careful. the voice reminds me. Do not lose yourself.
Yeah. I can’t fool anyone anyway. Just today, I told my coworker that they deserved so much more. I told two, even. They do, too. And I would give it to them, if I could. YOU DESERVE A NEW KITCHEN is just the least of it. Silly things, indeed. You deserve safety, stability, the opportunity to grow and learn, and true and real connections with others. You deserve to define what life and love is for yourself. You deserve an eternity of kindness over an eternity of hatred.
The only way I know how to make that happen: Continue to exist. Endure the control. Ride the waves.
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